Circle of Friends

Friends are sometimes that group of underappreciated beings that for some reason stick with us throughout our lives. They give us advice, visit us when we're sick, treat us to lunch when we have no money of our own, or even ask us kindly to please keep writing. I hope I've done my share on all those levels.

Isn't it funny how when we meet someone, sometimes there's a glimmer of something underneath. Some sense of "otherness" that we latch onto.

Chapter Ten -- "Respite"
Brendan is growing his own garden of true friends during this quiet time. He'll need them all before this thing is done.

Today's Word Count: 1,067
Page Count: 196
Total Word Count: 43,478

Ghost Fonts; To Kill In The Blue Nothing

The title of this post is also the title of the third part of "Online; A Ghost Story". I've finally cracked into this part. The first chapter or so of a new piece of the book is always a bit rough, kind of like starting over. The climax at the end of each part is so much like the finale that restarting the next so soon after can be a bit daunting.

Had a wonderful dinner (was treated to Outback ... I love me a piece of Prime Rib) and a line of interesting conversation. Talking about your fears helps you do one of two things. 1) Call them out in the open and make them not quite so unidentifiable ... and hence less disturbing. 2) Makes you realize that some of them, you can't do a damned thing about. In other words, only time will tell. And there you have it.

Chapter Ten-"Respite"
After the climax of Chapter Nine, Brendan gets to relax a bit. He really connects with Chapman (some of you might remember him from "Juggler") and in turn Chapman becomes more fleshed out to us. I don't really do the "recurring character" thing, but for some reason Chapman Carter finds his way into a lot of my work. There's something charming and resilient about him, I think. He's a good man, and that says quite a bit sometimes.

Page Count: 191
Word Count: 42,411

Even Rainy Days

I learned a lot today. And that's a good day by any measure.

Just a quick note on the book. Chapter Nine is going to be a bit more significant than I first thought. I wrote about 900 words, which isn't as impressive as I would have liked, but I had to make do with my location, which doesn't exactly warrant any real creative vibes. In other words, my muse said, "Fuck it! I'm outta here!"

I don't even remember the title of this new chapter. Too tired to get a page or word count out tonight. I'm hitting it again tomorrow morning and we'll see how things go.

600 Miles

I got an email from my aunt back in Massachusetts tonight. The holidays are fast approaching and the thought of missing Christmas at her house for the second year in a row is heartbreaking. Virginia has definitely been good to me, and I've no intention of ever moving away, but there are those times when I feel a heavy-hearted homesickness. I keep looking at my work schedule and my bank account, looking for a way to get back there for a few days. The last time I went was in August I believe, but it was for a funeral, which is never a good occasion for visiting. I must go soon. I must ...

My day work-wise was anxious and had the slight smell of defeat to it. D and E are all feeling the same way. I gave D a hug today, before I left. She cried some. We're all so tired and in much need of a vacation. I can no longer ask D for time off, that's been removed from her duties as our manager. :( I now have to ask our new manager ... and just talking to the man exhausts me. Our personalities conflict at the core; never a good thing.

My day and night however were filled with a much needed proximity. A couple of shots of her favorite 80 proof liquor and the day's stress seemed to melt away for both of us. It's nice to be able to put the engine in idle and laugh. There's entirely not enough laughing going on lately and this was good for the soul.

I put away my writer's mind today, let it rest along with the other pieces. Tomorrow morning I'll start (and most likely finish) Chapter Nine. Then the outline for the next part. I think there's going to be five parts in total and this will bring us to the end of part two.

For now, off to sleep ... and all that it brings.

Thin Skinned

I've been up since 4AM, and maybe I'm a probably a bit cranky, so I'll keep my feelings to myself tonight. Maybe tomorrow things will make a little more sense to me, you know, after I actually get some sleep.

Had a killer writing day. I kind of expected this might happen with this chapter. I think I did about 3,000 words.

Chapter Eight--"Threshold"
This chapter didn't end where I thought it would. The original ending for this chapter would have been too much for both writer AND reader, so I've decided to break Chapter Eight in two and end the section with a short Chapter Nine (as of yet untitled). This new chapter will most likely be finished by tomorrow night. Then comes the outline for the third part of the book.

Page Count: 177
Word Count: 40,054

Living in a Moment

Did you ever have one of those nights that were so wonderful you thought it was a dream? Don't move too abruptly, or speak too loudly, or stop too suddenly ... I don't want to wake up.

You know the writing's been going well when you actually feel kind of guilty that you couldn't get a few words down on the page, but that's all good. A writer's soul needs a recharge every now and again. Consider me recharged ...

I'll wake up extra early tomorrow morning and get some in. Then I'll hit it with the regular vigor tomorrow afternoon.

I go to bed tonight with a full heart and dreamy mind. Thanks Babe ... evermore.

Gemini Culture

Today was interesting. I say that without sarcasm or spite. I realized today, that I've been in a spin, waiting and wondering what my soul should latch onto, looking for the only piece of my world that wasn't spinning. Strangely enough, that one piece ... was me. Everything else in my life is out of my control, but the only thing that is, is myself.

This little bit of wisdom may seem self-evident to some. But I assure you, when you're in it, when you're slipping around your own atmosphere like a piece of space junk, you don't readily see it. Your life moves forward, with or without you and you have to buy your ticket, wait in line and get on the ride like everyone else. If someone else wishes to join you, to sit next to you along that ride, that's their choice. But it doesn't wait for anyone, least of all you. It moves baby, sometimes slow, sometimes a blur you can barely catch sight of. But it's always moving ...

Watched the director's cut of "The Chronicles of Riddick" in the movie room with Dave and Samantha. Pretty kick ass flick. It was fun being down there again with people. It missed someone special, but she's got her own demons to deal with right now. I hope she finds her way back home. I'll light as many candles as I can to guide her ... forever and again. I hate to see a good soul suffer.

Chapter Eight - "Threshold"
Did another good day's work. Nearly 2,000 words tonight at the Cafe. Brendan's not-so-secret crush revealed a great secret and his two new worlds are about to collide. This is what we chummily refer to as the shit hitting the fan.

Page Count: 164
Word Count: 37,089

Emotions In Motion

Funny thing about divorce. You get so used to someone being around, even if you weren't particularly close. The house seems somewhat empty at times. It's not a round the clock kind of thing, just every now and again it seems so ... quiet. It's not the kind of quiet you can turn on the TV against or blast a radio to push aside. It's a different kind of quiet. A lonely kind of quiet.

I guess with all that's been going on, my emotions lately are a bit helter-skelter (as I'm sure you've picked up if you've been reading along with this journal). Don't get me wrong! It's not all bad ... but it's not all good either. There are days when you're lucky enough to walk that thin gray line between. There's definitely been little to no consistency, that's for certain. And there's a lot to be said for consistency. It's also kind of contagious I think. I really don't know too many people who's lives aren't in flux currently. I'd like a couple of days where things were mellow ... a couple of days in a row that is. My Lady Love believes I need a vacation. I think she might be right.

I saw M. today, which shouldn't be too much a surprise as she works at Barnes & Noble. She's a girl I liked quite a bit, not specifically in that "I want to date" kind of way, but there was some interest on my part I believe. I think I freaked her out one night by being a little forthcoming. My approach has always been better to be honest upfront. Guess that doesn't work for everyone! Ha! Anyway, I turned around from the Cafe counter and saw her riding up the escalator. She looked hard for a second, as though she couldn't believe it was me, we both waved a bit awkwardly and then she immediately turned around. I half-believed she'd come on down the other side, you know, just to say hi, but she didn't. Guess I scared that one pretty good! ;) It was an odd, clumsy moment I won't soon forget.

B&N didn't appear to be that busy, but it would seem nearly everyone there was at the Cafe, so it was tricky to find a seat. I managed to swipe one the moment someone walked away, though it was alongside the isle near the magazines, a pretty busy location. Still, I managed to do some good work during the time I was there. 1,790 words. Chapter Seven has been finished and I'll start Chapter Eight tomorrow. Chapter Eight is the last in this section of the book. So once that one's complete, I'll need to create a new outline for Part III.

Chapter Seven - "Displaced"
As stated above, this chapter was finished this afternoon and Brendan and Alexa are growing closer, but only because Brendan is too polite for his own good. He recognizes something is more than a little off-beat about his new friend, but doesn't yet realize the trouble he's in for. Ha! Do we ever?

Page Count: 156
Word Count: 35,102

"You funny little man," said Strickland

This entry is a bit personal. And by that I don't mean that I'm sharing more than usual. What I DO mean is that it is meant for someone in particular. Someone who likes to read other's private words. All I can think of to say is captured by these words from W. Somerset Maugham's "The Moon and Sixpence".

Strickland's injurious calm robbed Stroeve of his self-control. Blind rage seized him, and without knowing what he was doing he flung himself on Strickland. Strickland was taken by surprise and he staggered, but he was very strong, even after his illness, and in a moment, he did not exactly know how, Stroeve found himself on the floor.
"You funny little man," said Strickland.

I hope these words taste as bitter as your own self-loathing.

NOW, onto more pleasant things. I could not resist the call of Mailer's book any longer and broke into it. It's a bit wordy (as Mailer can sometimes be) but enjoyable all the same. I also hope I kept my promise, as I read a good portion of my friend's (E.D. Tilton) novel as well. No book (my friend's not Mailer's) has ever had me laughing aloud in an otherwise silent house.

I decided today was as good as any to take a literary day off, well at least as far as writing goes. But I'll return tomorrow with another update of "Online".

Funky Days in the Dark

Today was one of those days that seemed to last forever. Not necessarily in the good kind of way. You know that feeling you get when you stay up all night by yourself? It's a lonely kind of "I'm the only person alive in the world" feeling. That's what today was like. Talked to Dave last night and he said he'd be over today, but never showed up. That's okay, I know he's got a new girl and that always takes precedent, but I guess I was a little bummed when he didn't show up. I probably wouldn't have been the greatest company even if he had. I might have had one of those anti-social vibes going anyway, though I won't be sure because I didn't really interact with anyone. LOL!

Talked with my girl via email and that brightened my evening some. She wrote over 1,000 words in her book today and that was pretty cool. She says my daily progress is an inspiration of sorts for her and she wants to keep up with me. That's cool as hell! And you know what? I wasn't even planning on writing today, just wasn't in the mood. But after that email, I got my ass to the Dana and wrote a good bit, almost 1,400 words. (Thanks babe!) Chapter Six is done and I've started on Seven this evening. My main character is feeling pretty down these days, a little lost and confused, and though I'm not anywhere near in the situation he is, there's a certain bond that we're sharing recently.

I think I need some sun. I hope tomorrow is going to be a bright day, sky-wise. I can't wait to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. One way or another I'm going out tomorrow, even if it's just grocery shopping (which is a necessity at the moment). It's getting dark so early these days. It's something I used to find inspiring and romantic (if I dare say). Not sure how I feel about it this year. Seems a little cold and forlorn.

Okay, enough of this moody shit ... onto the writing.

Chapter Seven -- "Displaced"
As I mentioned above, Brendan (ONLINE's main character) is out-of-sorts. He's inadvertantly developing a relationship of a kind with the Alexa (the villain). I try to keep too much plot out of these descriptions, just to avoid spoilage. Suffice it to say, as it is with every story, it's a matter of coincidence and timing which has brought them together. The wrong place at the wrong time.

Page Count (Yes, I got all the words off the Dana finally and onto the main manuscript on the laptop ...): 149
Word Count: 33,312

Hard Candy

Did you ever have one of those evenings that was so full of everything? Impromptu passion is amazing. You can go ... oh I don't know .... let's say thirty-six years before finding the things you only see in movies or read about in books (I know, I've written a couple ;)).

What is it about the pain of those we love? One of the hardest lessons in the world between two people is to realize that you sometimes can do nothing more than listen. And you know what? Sometimes, that's just enough.

I found the "zone" this afternoon. I was working on this chat room scene which quickly turned sexual and before I knew it I had to push away from the keyboard, shudder all over as I did so. I know it's strange, but after being in the zone for a while, I begin to feel claustrophobic and somehow ... well used. I have to step away, shake the whole thing off. It's a magnificent thing really. And I wasn't alone when it happened. I don't think anyone's ever actually seen that happen to me. I myself haven't experienced the likes of this since the first draft of "Juggler".

It's well after 1AM and I'm exhausted ...

Chapter Six - "Therapy"
My hero and villain have met, in a rather strange exchange on the Internet. Anyone who's ever had one of those moments will appreciate the scene. I've been told by some readers that they've had to read some of my scenes one-handed. I've also been told that the sexuality in my books appeals to both men AND women. I'm happy to say that I don't think I've lost any of my edge in that arena.

Word Count: 32,011

The "Bends"

I was upstairs, trying to go to sleep (early morning meeting ... 7:30, blech) but just didn't feel right about leaving the waking world without noting my day. I think it was Ben Franklin who mentioned something about a day without review is a lost day, or something like that.

I've had better days, I'll be honest about that. It started out well-enough, still pleasant hung over from the night before. But it dropped somewhere after the morning passed. My heart got slapped around some, not maliciously, but slapped around just the same. That took quite a bit of the wind from my sails. I left work early to hit Barnes & Noble to do some writing. Lost two hours in between the time I left work and the time I arrived at B&N. In between work calls and the emotions that were on my mind, I managed to squeeze out another 1,000 or so words. I made a "comfort" purchase of a book on writing by Norman Mailer (one of the most genius authors of this, or any other century) called "The Spooky Art". I've got to finish Eryk's first draft of "Just Slightly South of the North" before I'll allow myself to read it though.

The melancholy stayed with me throughout the evening and I wished I had shaken it off before calling to say goodnight. I didn't. The conversation paid for it as a result I think. Sometimes, I don't know when to just let go. To just say, "You know what honey, I really don't have much to say," and ring off with an easy goodnight. Instead I try to stay the course and wind up saying something stupid while filling the awkward silences. No real damage done I suppose, but I feel edgy just the same. It's funny, all the words in the world can't do what a simple hug could.

All in all, it was a day I probably could have done without. I know that's not the "mature" thing to think, but I guess I'm not alone in those thoughts. We've all had days that seemed like kind of a wash, and we all go to bed (as I will in a moment) with hope for better things tomorrow.

Chapter Six--"Therapy"
This is the chapter where we bring the hero and villain together for the first time. We as readers know how bad this could turn out, but the poor characters have no clue. Thus, the building of suspension I guess, though it's hard not to feel bad for them sometimes. ;)

Word Count: 30,648

Intimacy

I'm sitting here smoking a cigarette and drinking a Peach Fruit-2-0 and wondering what asshole coined the phrase "parting is such sweet sorrow". Okay, perhaps I'm being a little harsh. It truly is a wonderful line and I suppose that there is some "sweetness" involved in it, but some nights I find more sorrow than sweetness. Even still, I suppose it's not truly sorrow I feel either. I guess it's more like a warm resignation. My heart is filled to bursting just the same. It's late and I don't feel exhausted, I feel renewed. There's no feeling in life greater than knowing your heart is being cared for and protected. A man can sleep safely with that realization on his mind.

I went to lunch with Cammy today and we caught up. It was a nice lunch (Mexican as always, her guilty little pleasure :)) and the guy who works the cafe at Barne & Noble walked in. That's twice I've seen him in the course of 24 hours. I fumbled through some disjointed explanation of why I had to split so early yesterday. My laptop batter died ... will try again later ... really didn't run away because I couldn't write. Jesus, the mind of a writer is like a garage sale sometimes, I swear.

I wrote tonight while my lady sat only a few feet away, working on her laptop. I realized that I can write with her nearby (a wonderful discovery to be sure) but the television being on is a rough distraction. Even my muse has limits it would seem. No solid expression while Seinfeld and Friends plays in the same room. :)

Chapter Five - "Initiation"
"Initiation" was completed tonight. About 1300 or so more words done. I'm thinking of heading to B&N's cafe for a couple of hours after work tomorrow. Get a good start on Chapter Six. I tested the Dana's battery tonight by using it without the cord and the battery does hold a legitimate charge, so that will be all good. A frappacino and some creative time will do this writer's heart some good. Maybe I'll get to see her again tomorrow. That will do this man's heart some good.

Word Count: 29,585

Approaching the Zone

Today was a good day. Aside from the stress of work (of which there is an abundance these days) all other things went well. I like quiet, pleasant days and even more so evenings. I've been having some trouble finding my "writing" place for a bit, and you can tell as much by the infrequency of this journal if not by asking me how the writing's been going and seeing that look of disappointment on my face. It's not that the story is stuck, though I am on one of those "connecting" chapters. You know the kind, nothing too exciting happening plotwise, but the necessary character development that ties the more interesting bits of the story together. But it hasn't scared me off or anything. It just seems that I can't get up in time in the mornings, which is when I choose to force my muse to do my own bidding. That's not been working so well. Life, in all it's business seems to roadblock me, and when that doesn't do it, insomnia works just as well.

What is it about the simple approach a woman can take that leads you around those corners you thought were so tricky? I've been morose on the topic of writing lately, having not been able to find my system. This sweet woman asks me if I can find a place to go for the sole purpose of writing. And it all comes into focus. Maybe Dunkin Donuts or Barnes & Noble, where I can order a coffee and sit in thier cafe. I think to myself, I have a Dana (a small word processing device created by AlphaSmart) that has no other function to me than the creation of prose. (My laptop is loaded with too many distractions, you see.)

I come home, check the battery of the Dana, see that it registers full and pack up my gear. A wonderful email awaits me, asking if I've written anything for her (insert warm, glorious shudder here) or if I'm misbehaving and checking my email instead of writing. I respond, though I'm nervous, I say, I am going to do what I said I would. I head off to Barnes & Noble, order this severe beverage that my Dave got me hooked on (a vinte (sp?) mocha frappacino ... nearly $5 but oh so worth it) and settle in at a table to write. The guy behind the counter knows me from a mutual acquaintance and asks me how the writing is going. I tell him that I've going through a rough spell but I'm "stepping out" to see if things will go a little better. And they do for a bit. A full page comes pouring out of me in a little under fifteen minutes. Beth calls to tell me that she might be able to telecommute her current job here in VA when she moves back home to New Hamsphire (yay!! :)) and I'm very happy to hear that. She's good at what she does and it's nice to see that recognized. I chat with her a bit, she tells me that some good friends are going through a rough spot and I really need to call them (I will do so tomorrow, I must promise myself) and we hang up. I write a couple of more lines and the a message pops up on the Dana's screen. My battery is extremely low ... and then the screen goes blank. The information is saved on a back-up battery, so I'm in no danger of losing information, but I see no available outlets to plug the fucker in. So then I must pack up my stuff so shortly after I arrive and slink out before anyone notices.

It would be so easy to give up now. Too easy. Instead I come home and light the Butter Cream Yankee Candle that we purchased so recently (and I'm reminded of my girl) and I set the Dana up with an outlet and begin again. For the first time in years I feel the "zone" right there, taunting me to get lost in it. I can't describe that feeling. Only another writer can grasp it. And for me, writing for the last few years has been without that sweet mystery. More mechanical than anything else. But today it was there, just along the fringes, and even that feeling was absorbing that I was riveted. I couldn't stop. The words just kept coming. I wrote, stopping only to empty my bladder and smoke a cigarette every now and again. I wrote for hours. I wrote until she called me. Coming out of the almost-zone and to her was just what a writer should be doing. (May I mention again how amazing you looked today?)

We talked for a while, I bid her goodnight and cleaned up the house a little bit before Dave and Samantha arrived. We chatted for a while (Sam is new to both Dave and myself ... so it took a little while for us all to reach our comfort levels.) and Dave talked me into reading my short story "The Man Who Would Not Shower" to them. I don't have to be talked into reading to anyone (it's one of my all-time favorite things to do) but reading my own stuff takes some cajoling. I'd much rather read stuff by King and company than my own words. But it went over well, as they both enjoyed it. They left not too long ago to go back to Dave's house to sleep, and this I can say I envy. I've experienced many beautiful emotions over the past few weeks (and some rough ones too, to be sure) but I've not experienced the pleasure of sleeping and waking beside. Soon, I tell myself ... soon.

We're in Chapter Five still, "Initiation" but this is a long chapter and more than halfway done. On average word count, I think I did about 10 pages today, but I won't attest to it until it's all rejoined in the laptop (which may be a little while in coming). But I did manage to get an update to the word count (which is posted below). Chapter Five should fall over the next day or two and then we move on into some more exciting territory. I'm looking forward to approaching the zone again. It's beautiful and pleasant and wondrous and well ... just pretty fucking cool!

I wrote for you, babe. As promised. Thank you for today. As I said at the beginning, it was a good day.

Word Count: 28,549