It's Curtains For You!
There's a host of things people with OCD shouldn't do. For one thing, they shouldn't marry people who aren't mildly afflicted with the same disorder. Luckily, Holly and I understand one another in this regard. If I wear my clothes from the closet in a particular order, it makes sense to her. If I listen to music in alphabetical order, she understands. If I have to come up with a random number generator to figure out which movie in our large collection to watch next, she's right there with me, excitedly waiting for the number to come up and the movie to be revealed. Sound crazy? Probably is. But that's why they call it a disorder folks. You see ... not enough choices or too many choices can lead to problems. So among those things a person with OCD should avoid is picking curtains. If you survive the process, you're liable to drive yourself insane with symetrically placing the curtains on the window. I had a mild stroke doing this, but believe it or not, this wasn't the most difficult part of the journey. No our tale starts at our local Sears store. You remember Sears right? The store America used to shop at. Now ... where were we ... yes, it was a dark and stormy night ...
Sears. The place where you can pick up just about anything for the home. Only they're curtain department wasn't so large. Maybe 100 square feet to choose from. That might seem like a lot until you notice the wide and varying assortments of brown curtains. Yes, there was light brown, dark brown, brown with spots, brown with tiger stripes, brown with black. All of them 84" panels because there are two things you must consider. 1) Everyone in our part of the state apparently enjoys sunlight about as much as vampires. 2) Everyone has HUGE windows that require 84" panels. Of course, this was something Holly and I didn't realize when setting out upon our journey.
I had just painted the living room a very classic blue, not too bright, not too dark. The plasma is centered in between the two front windows, framed with their bright white trim to match the chair rail and ceiling. We were surprised to find, with the TV centered amidst the rich blue, how easy it was to spot this same color used in the TV world! Yes, it's the hallway color for Seinfeld. Drew Carey sports it in one of his rooms. It's in just about every house in Desperate Housewives. It's even readily displayed in commercials. Yes, we did well picking an apparently pleasing color for the walls. Now ... for curtains, a regular white should do the trick, right?
Back to Sears ... beyond the brown, beyond the blacks and homely pinks there was a tiny rack of white curtains. Yes! That's what we needed. Only there was no matching sets. There would be two valances, and three panels. One valance and no panels. None of the patterns matched and none of the colors matched. People had strewn about what had been in some packages and we went so far as to pick them up, brush them off (this was Sears right? 'Cause for a minute there I thought we were in some kind of discount store where throwing about product was not only expected but encouraged!) and try to match them. We came up with one set. Yup, one set for our three windows. Hmmmm. We're two windows short. And if we needed reminding that we were in fact in Sears, the price for that one window would have been over $120. Okay, we decided. Fuck Sears.
Hey WalMart has curtains right? Sure they do! They have beautifully displayed curtain valances and panels. Yes, they have four white styles and 234 browns, blacks, reds and ... oh yeah ... more browns. Well at least they have a lovely blue & white pattern that would be perfect in our living room. Only, below the display, where the items should have been, they weren't. To make this even more disturbing, a paper leaflet was attached to the wall as a means to show stock people how to arrange the display correctly so the consumer could easily find what they were looking for. Instead however, the stock people placed the curtains whereever they decided was best ... and then went into the security booth to watch the confused consumers and have a good laugh. So 30 minutes later, after scanning the entire WalMart curtain display we concluded that they not only did not have the valance in the color we wanted, they had no panels either. That's okay, I reasoned. I'll order them from WalMart's online site. Um ... no ... I guess I won't. You see, there were at least 30 curtain designs for this one brand at the store (at least displayed prettily at the top of the isle) and 4 (I'll spell that out for you F-O-U-R) online. Huh? Isn't the online store supposed to have MORE than the brick and mortar store? Guess not.
Another day ... another trip. This time we'll go to Dillards. A little expensive but we'll surely have a terrific selection. No we won't. They have 4 (do I need to spell this out?) different types of curtains, all by a bedding company and only to match their sheet sets. So ... um ... Dillards doesn't really sell curtains.
On the way home we'll stop at Target. (I know they're French ... but we were desperate dammit!) Did you ever notice that Target doesn't play music in their stores? Me either. But Holly notices such details and is sure to point them out to me. So while we're making our way to the curtain section, all I can think about is the lack of music! (Apparently people with OCD shouldn't shop at Target unless they bring an IPod.) So the one isle of curtains at Target is ... um ... interesting. There are whites (finally) but again, very few. And no sheers. Now, when I was growing up I thought the only curtains that existed in the world were standard window curtains that were white and sheer. The world seems to have changed. Finally, under pressure and desperation (the store announcer was kind enough to state over the intercom system that the store would be closing in a half-hour and would I be so courteous as to bring our final selections to the check-out line. To which I offered--and quite loudly--that I would bring them up sometime within the next half-hour. Luckily neither of us interrupted any in-store music.) we selected 84" panels of a solid white. Not sheer but at least they were white.
We couldn't wait to set up at least one of the windows and set about it right away. Once we had them up we realized our mistake. Well, two mistakes, but one wasn't really our fault. The first mistake was that the curtains sucked. They were thick and hung on the window like a bed sheet. The material was so heavy that you couldn't fluff them, frill them and oh yeah, they held onto their creases like ... well like a bedsheet. The second mistake was that white curtains, on a white trimmed window with a white chair rail and a white ceiling is too much fucking white.
We went up to bed that night feeling defeated, but refusing to let the situation go, we beat it to death with our heads on the pillows. A pattern. Yeah, that's what we needed. Some pattern or perhaps even contrast! Now THAT's a difficult thing to get through the mind of someone with OCD. Contrast doesn't work. It contrasts. I just can't see it. And if I can't see it, it doesn't make sense right?
So we wind up in Richmond (the seller's end of the closing where the bank payoff statment screwed us over by almost $2,000 ... but that's another story) and decided to finally check out Bed Bath & Beyond. Sometimes that store can kick so much ass! Gadgets and toys for the kitchen and ... well I think I really like all the Beyond stuff. So, a few hundred dollars later we walk out with 84" panels (don't even get me started) and a creamy pink, blue and green flower pattern. Talk about your contrast. But you know what? They were sheer.
We get them home and put them up on one window. Then we hem and haw (okay ... I hemmed and hawwed ... Holly just tried to get me to relax ... OCD people shouldn't drink expresso and then hang curtains.) arrange them just so ... and they move ... and I arrange them just so ... and they move ... and I arr--okay you get the point. Finally, we step back and go, "Yeah! We did good. We finally got it."
And so the story should end. Holly heads off to work and I decide before writing for the day that I'm going to arrange the living room how we've wanted it to surprise Holly. Though without all the pieces purchased yet, this means putting the sofas back in place now that the paint's dried. Dusting, cleaning, vaccumming and yes, installing the rest of the curtains. The second curtain goes up perfectly ... um ... okay ... it goes up well enough that I can almost stop adjusting it.
Now the third window doesn't have a 2 1/2 in rail up yet, but not to worry. We bought one of those for just this reason. Only this one doesn't match the other two we have ... not in simplicity or design. No this one needs an MIT graduate to put together. And once it's put together, you'd better like it, because it's not coming apart either! And it has lovely little plastic locking clips that stand out beautifully ... if you were in a lovely little locking clip gallery. But since this is a curtain rail, shouldn't they NOT be showing? Shouldn't they kind of, you know, be in the back or something? And yes, before any of you decide that I didn't put it together correctly, there is no other way for the clips to lock. So I take the "Ugly Fucking Rail" and begin to sleeve the next batch of curtains on them. And hey look, ring 5 of the first panel has been double stitched. One stitching the correct place (2 1/2 inches or so up) and one about 2 inches up. Hmmm ... that's no good ... the curtain won't go on that way. Okay, so I return with tweezers and 5 minutes later I've removed the erroneous stitching. Done deal. The first panel is on. Now the second panel. Ring 2 has more erroneous stitching. Ring 3 has NO stitching! (Now I've got to TIE the ring onto the "Ugly Fucking Rail"!) Ring 4 goes on. Ring 5 has no stitching! Ring 6 has no stitching! Ring 7 ... yup ... erroneous stitching. WTF? Okay, I get control of my breathing and put the "Ugly Fucking Rail" up on the window. Perfect ... except I notice a big tag right at the top of the curtain. Sheer curtains. Curtains sheer enough to see the "Big Fucking Tag". That's odd, I say. I examine the other curtains (4 panels) and surely enough, the "Big Fucking Tag" is at the bottom on all of those and it's then that I realize ... they sewed the rings on the BOTTOM OF THE CURTAIN PANEL! I guess that kind of explains the erroneous stitching and NO stitching.
So, most likely by the end of next week all the items will be in place to have the living room laid out exactly as we've been dreaming about for months. We can't wait for our friends to come over and see it. Our first "finished" room. Yes, that will be fun.
But adjust my curtains ... and you're dead!
Currently Reading: The Reckoning by Jeff Long
Sears. The place where you can pick up just about anything for the home. Only they're curtain department wasn't so large. Maybe 100 square feet to choose from. That might seem like a lot until you notice the wide and varying assortments of brown curtains. Yes, there was light brown, dark brown, brown with spots, brown with tiger stripes, brown with black. All of them 84" panels because there are two things you must consider. 1) Everyone in our part of the state apparently enjoys sunlight about as much as vampires. 2) Everyone has HUGE windows that require 84" panels. Of course, this was something Holly and I didn't realize when setting out upon our journey.
I had just painted the living room a very classic blue, not too bright, not too dark. The plasma is centered in between the two front windows, framed with their bright white trim to match the chair rail and ceiling. We were surprised to find, with the TV centered amidst the rich blue, how easy it was to spot this same color used in the TV world! Yes, it's the hallway color for Seinfeld. Drew Carey sports it in one of his rooms. It's in just about every house in Desperate Housewives. It's even readily displayed in commercials. Yes, we did well picking an apparently pleasing color for the walls. Now ... for curtains, a regular white should do the trick, right?
Back to Sears ... beyond the brown, beyond the blacks and homely pinks there was a tiny rack of white curtains. Yes! That's what we needed. Only there was no matching sets. There would be two valances, and three panels. One valance and no panels. None of the patterns matched and none of the colors matched. People had strewn about what had been in some packages and we went so far as to pick them up, brush them off (this was Sears right? 'Cause for a minute there I thought we were in some kind of discount store where throwing about product was not only expected but encouraged!) and try to match them. We came up with one set. Yup, one set for our three windows. Hmmmm. We're two windows short. And if we needed reminding that we were in fact in Sears, the price for that one window would have been over $120. Okay, we decided. Fuck Sears.
Hey WalMart has curtains right? Sure they do! They have beautifully displayed curtain valances and panels. Yes, they have four white styles and 234 browns, blacks, reds and ... oh yeah ... more browns. Well at least they have a lovely blue & white pattern that would be perfect in our living room. Only, below the display, where the items should have been, they weren't. To make this even more disturbing, a paper leaflet was attached to the wall as a means to show stock people how to arrange the display correctly so the consumer could easily find what they were looking for. Instead however, the stock people placed the curtains whereever they decided was best ... and then went into the security booth to watch the confused consumers and have a good laugh. So 30 minutes later, after scanning the entire WalMart curtain display we concluded that they not only did not have the valance in the color we wanted, they had no panels either. That's okay, I reasoned. I'll order them from WalMart's online site. Um ... no ... I guess I won't. You see, there were at least 30 curtain designs for this one brand at the store (at least displayed prettily at the top of the isle) and 4 (I'll spell that out for you F-O-U-R) online. Huh? Isn't the online store supposed to have MORE than the brick and mortar store? Guess not.
Another day ... another trip. This time we'll go to Dillards. A little expensive but we'll surely have a terrific selection. No we won't. They have 4 (do I need to spell this out?) different types of curtains, all by a bedding company and only to match their sheet sets. So ... um ... Dillards doesn't really sell curtains.
On the way home we'll stop at Target. (I know they're French ... but we were desperate dammit!) Did you ever notice that Target doesn't play music in their stores? Me either. But Holly notices such details and is sure to point them out to me. So while we're making our way to the curtain section, all I can think about is the lack of music! (Apparently people with OCD shouldn't shop at Target unless they bring an IPod.) So the one isle of curtains at Target is ... um ... interesting. There are whites (finally) but again, very few. And no sheers. Now, when I was growing up I thought the only curtains that existed in the world were standard window curtains that were white and sheer. The world seems to have changed. Finally, under pressure and desperation (the store announcer was kind enough to state over the intercom system that the store would be closing in a half-hour and would I be so courteous as to bring our final selections to the check-out line. To which I offered--and quite loudly--that I would bring them up sometime within the next half-hour. Luckily neither of us interrupted any in-store music.) we selected 84" panels of a solid white. Not sheer but at least they were white.
We couldn't wait to set up at least one of the windows and set about it right away. Once we had them up we realized our mistake. Well, two mistakes, but one wasn't really our fault. The first mistake was that the curtains sucked. They were thick and hung on the window like a bed sheet. The material was so heavy that you couldn't fluff them, frill them and oh yeah, they held onto their creases like ... well like a bedsheet. The second mistake was that white curtains, on a white trimmed window with a white chair rail and a white ceiling is too much fucking white.
We went up to bed that night feeling defeated, but refusing to let the situation go, we beat it to death with our heads on the pillows. A pattern. Yeah, that's what we needed. Some pattern or perhaps even contrast! Now THAT's a difficult thing to get through the mind of someone with OCD. Contrast doesn't work. It contrasts. I just can't see it. And if I can't see it, it doesn't make sense right?
So we wind up in Richmond (the seller's end of the closing where the bank payoff statment screwed us over by almost $2,000 ... but that's another story) and decided to finally check out Bed Bath & Beyond. Sometimes that store can kick so much ass! Gadgets and toys for the kitchen and ... well I think I really like all the Beyond stuff. So, a few hundred dollars later we walk out with 84" panels (don't even get me started) and a creamy pink, blue and green flower pattern. Talk about your contrast. But you know what? They were sheer.
We get them home and put them up on one window. Then we hem and haw (okay ... I hemmed and hawwed ... Holly just tried to get me to relax ... OCD people shouldn't drink expresso and then hang curtains.) arrange them just so ... and they move ... and I arrange them just so ... and they move ... and I arr--okay you get the point. Finally, we step back and go, "Yeah! We did good. We finally got it."
And so the story should end. Holly heads off to work and I decide before writing for the day that I'm going to arrange the living room how we've wanted it to surprise Holly. Though without all the pieces purchased yet, this means putting the sofas back in place now that the paint's dried. Dusting, cleaning, vaccumming and yes, installing the rest of the curtains. The second curtain goes up perfectly ... um ... okay ... it goes up well enough that I can almost stop adjusting it.
Now the third window doesn't have a 2 1/2 in rail up yet, but not to worry. We bought one of those for just this reason. Only this one doesn't match the other two we have ... not in simplicity or design. No this one needs an MIT graduate to put together. And once it's put together, you'd better like it, because it's not coming apart either! And it has lovely little plastic locking clips that stand out beautifully ... if you were in a lovely little locking clip gallery. But since this is a curtain rail, shouldn't they NOT be showing? Shouldn't they kind of, you know, be in the back or something? And yes, before any of you decide that I didn't put it together correctly, there is no other way for the clips to lock. So I take the "Ugly Fucking Rail" and begin to sleeve the next batch of curtains on them. And hey look, ring 5 of the first panel has been double stitched. One stitching the correct place (2 1/2 inches or so up) and one about 2 inches up. Hmmm ... that's no good ... the curtain won't go on that way. Okay, so I return with tweezers and 5 minutes later I've removed the erroneous stitching. Done deal. The first panel is on. Now the second panel. Ring 2 has more erroneous stitching. Ring 3 has NO stitching! (Now I've got to TIE the ring onto the "Ugly Fucking Rail"!) Ring 4 goes on. Ring 5 has no stitching! Ring 6 has no stitching! Ring 7 ... yup ... erroneous stitching. WTF? Okay, I get control of my breathing and put the "Ugly Fucking Rail" up on the window. Perfect ... except I notice a big tag right at the top of the curtain. Sheer curtains. Curtains sheer enough to see the "Big Fucking Tag". That's odd, I say. I examine the other curtains (4 panels) and surely enough, the "Big Fucking Tag" is at the bottom on all of those and it's then that I realize ... they sewed the rings on the BOTTOM OF THE CURTAIN PANEL! I guess that kind of explains the erroneous stitching and NO stitching.
So, most likely by the end of next week all the items will be in place to have the living room laid out exactly as we've been dreaming about for months. We can't wait for our friends to come over and see it. Our first "finished" room. Yes, that will be fun.
But adjust my curtains ... and you're dead!
Currently Reading: The Reckoning by Jeff Long
posted by Stefan & Holly | 10:06 AM
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